Friday, December 31, 2010
Dream
Last night after almost an entire bottle of wine and hours of packing I lay exhausted on the couch. A log burned silently and hotly beside me, Christmas music played through the TV. I'd already packed the afghan so I curled up under throw pillows spooning Digby.
An hour later I woke up tense and cold, and bewildered. I'd dreamed about Rooster. He'd been sitting on the couch and lifted his arms to me wide, welcoming me to sit on his lap. I felt such relief as I let him pull me down into his warm, safe embrace. I knew everything was going to be ok now; I was in his capable arms after all, how could things not be ok?
Something about this sense of relaxation woke me up, stirred me from beyond. This isn't right, I thought. NO. I'm doing this alone.
Then I turned out the lights, left the cats curled on their chairs by the fire and crawled into my own bed ignoring the labeled boxes that have replaced decorations this season.
I move tomorrow.
An hour later I woke up tense and cold, and bewildered. I'd dreamed about Rooster. He'd been sitting on the couch and lifted his arms to me wide, welcoming me to sit on his lap. I felt such relief as I let him pull me down into his warm, safe embrace. I knew everything was going to be ok now; I was in his capable arms after all, how could things not be ok?
Something about this sense of relaxation woke me up, stirred me from beyond. This isn't right, I thought. NO. I'm doing this alone.
Then I turned out the lights, left the cats curled on their chairs by the fire and crawled into my own bed ignoring the labeled boxes that have replaced decorations this season.
I move tomorrow.
Source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ThisIsWorthwhile/~3/8WbYQdMVie4/dream.html
Creating New Traditions
One of my most vivid Christmas memories (vivid because we repeated it for the first 30 or so years of my life) is this: We wake Christmas morning and run downstairs to the tree, which is overflowing with brightly wrapped packages, bedecked in glittery bows, sparkling with festive twine and gift tags. Up until the [...]
Source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CodeNameMama/~3/dBIDAo1vo3o/
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Where, oh where, are my feelings?
I used to be too sensitive. Now I hardly feel.
The past several months have been an extended climax of emotion and pain and it's as if it's happening to someone else. I have removed me from myself and am now driving a body forward, but am no longer experiencing it first hand. I'm exhausted.
I wake up, I smile, I love my boy, I feel free and happy, but it is so one-note. One color. One flavor. The deeper nuances are out of my reach. I am numb.
I signed a lease for a new apartment last week. Rooster is moving back into the house and I'm moving out the first week in December. It makes sense: I can't do yard work or fix a goddamned thing. He needs the garage and shed for all his crap. I'm over the moon about it, really. Seriously. I have visions of a maintenance man at my beck and call, manicured grounds, a pool that cleans itself, a walk to the grocery store, a little closer to downtown and my friends who live north.
It's such a strange mix, numbness and happiness. On the one hand I am protected, on the other I am held distant from really connecting. I call it The Wall. I've been accused of having it and warned of its ability to make me miss out on things, but then again, that's what I love about it. Its other super power is apathy: I don't give a shit if I'm missing out on things. (I feel like I'm finally understanding all the asshole boys I dated in my 20s. They really and truly didn't feel anything after all! It can happen!)
Though, to be honest it's not shielding me from worry. I do worry that all of these things I'm not feeling are going to come back and bite me in the ass. Yet, I also believe in the process -- oh, how I believe in the process -- and that what's happening to me and how I'm handling myself is the exactly right thing to be doing.
You see what's happening here? Up, down, back and forth. Holy crap, I'm a bloody mess.
When Rooster and Hawk were in Kansas City for a week last week I hung out with an awesome blogger (holla, Allison!) Friday, Saturday I went to Bloggy Boot Camp (more on that later), immediately after the conference I drove to San Antonio (1.5 hours away) for a surprise 59th & 70th birthday party, drove back to Austin and caught the tail end of a bachelor party including a party bus and drinking until 3:30 am. Sunday, I was spent. And raw.
I could feel a mountain of emotions just around the corner (exhaustion and being hungover will do that to me, apparently). A friend came over for interior design advice and I could feel the tears prick in my eyes as we looked at catalogs to feather his nest. I remember poring over images looking for just the right pillow or rug to make our house a home. Now I spend all my time cataloging just how to dismantle it. Which couch to take, which plates, which decor.
Pluck, pluck, pluck. The nest is gone.
When my friend left the tears had vanished, as had the tremor of emotion that had begun. I was back to Robot Jessica. And so I did something dramatic: I gathered up everything Rooster had ever given me as a gift, his box of pictures, one of his fantasy books that he loves so dearly, and the one photo of us as a family I've left framed in Hawk's room and put them all in a pile on the bed and I sat and looked at it.
I stared at it until the tears came and I shook with sorrow. I fondled the sunglasses, the mini iPod with the 1-year dating anniversary inscription that reads "Thank you, Jessica, for an amazing year!", I held my platinum wedding rings and remembered their weight on my finger.
Finally, I was feeling something: disappointment, uncertainty, fear, sadness. My broken fucking heart.
I slept for a week with that pile of things on what used to be his side of the bed. It made me feel something and for that I was grateful.
Rooster and I are getting divorced. It's a done deal. We're unraveling the life we made and rebraiding a new one based on friendship and partnership. It seems fast, but we've been emotionally disconnected for much longer than we have been physically.
I wonder if I seem different to my friends and family because I definitely feel that way. I feel immense strength at going about this the hard way, the kind way, the painful way. I feel distant and cut off. I feel free as a fucking bird. I feel crushing disappointment. I feel fear. I feel hope. I feel happy.
I'm so proud of how I'm handing this, how we are handling this. It's a rite of passage, doing this the hard way. I am not a coward.
So, Feelings, I know you're out there. I'll try to check in on you every once in a while, but I know you're not going anywhere. Until then, thanks for keeping your distance and I'll see you again soon.
Source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ThisIsWorthwhile/~3/8sgyTRo_5Co/where-oh-where-are-my-feelings.html
Easy Homemade Gift Tutorial: Embroidered Hand
It’s almost Christmas, but this handmade craft is a wonderful gift idea for Mother’s Day, birthdays, or any special occasion.
The project is easy, affordable, and should take you no more than one hour to complete.
Embroidered Hand in 6(.5) Easy Steps
1) Gather your supplies. You’ll need:
fabric (I used a cute jersey knit print);
an embroidery hoop (this [...]
The project is easy, affordable, and should take you no more than one hour to complete.
Embroidered Hand in 6(.5) Easy Steps
1) Gather your supplies. You’ll need:
fabric (I used a cute jersey knit print);
an embroidery hoop (this [...]
Source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CodeNameMama/~3/qPdWI0rOMRA/
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Five Go Insane Indoors
"Goodness me," exclaimed Mother. "Quickly children. Pack away your electronic gadgetry. You really must come to the window and look.""What is it Mother?" the young scamps chorused, their eager eyes burning with anticipation and their cheeks flushed from the thermostat being left on too high.
"There really is the most terrific amount of snow outside," Mother answered. "It quite simply makes me want to bake a splendid batch of chocolate brownies, put on my new woollen mittens and make lots of snowmen!"
The children clapped their hands with glee and ran to gather their cold-weather gear, and then realised they didn't really have any, so made do with impractical items such as jeans and poorly fitting coats.
Father didn't look as excited as everyone else as he soon realised that the heavy snowfall would prevent him from driving to the office and he would therefore be forced to spend the day 'At Home' with his wife, two children and exuberant young cat.
Mother put on a brave face and her finest thermals and set about making the finest snowman in the Parish. The children were a little moany about snow being in their wellingtons and their cheap gloves offering insufficient protection against the arctic elements, but Mother hardily battled on and made a really super Snowman. She felt a minor amount of rage when she noticed a few minutes later that the children had kicked the head off him.
Day after day as the snow continued to fall, Mother noticed that her enthusiasm for baking and creating spiffing snow-people seemed to be decreasing. As the temperatures fell outside; voices were being raised inside. Father soon realised he could tolerate mid-week family life no further and hired the army to airlift him to the office where he reclined his comfortable chair and set to work on his 10ft Subway sandwich.
After seven days of this wintery-hell, Mother decided that she really wasn't awfully keen on snow after all. Even the lashings of Whiskey and Ginger Wine couldn't seem to lift her spirits. Finally, she shoo'd the cat and the children outside for a very long constitutional, while she lay in a darkened room to recover from, what appeared to have become, a permanent migraine.
"This snow is absolute bollocks," she uttered, before having a little weep.
The End.
Thank you to Next for the lovely '8th Day of Christmas' logo used at the top of this post.
Source: http://hotcrossmum.blogspot.com/2010/12/five-go-insane-indoors.html
Happy Thanksgiving
Wishing one and all a happy and healthy holiday with the family. Last year at this time, I did a Blawg Review based on Arlo Guthrie’s Alice’s Restaurant Massacree. If you listen around noon tomorrow, you ought to hear it come around on the radio. The song, that is, not the blog post. Because Alice’s [...]
Source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/NewYorkPersonalInjuryLawBlog/~3/HN1-yTfH4iY/happy-thanksgiving-4.html
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
7:51 am
In the painful pre-dawn hours of morning - with the windows backlit a dusky rose - he chipperly joined me in bed. It's almost 8 now and he's perpendicular to me with his feet on my hip. Guess he wasn't quite ready to meet the day at dawn, huh?
Source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ThisIsWorthwhile/~3/xv4M-wphzjs/751-am.html
Rethinking Christmas
I'm sure I'm not the first person to have sat and thought about what they would like for Christmas over the last week (or maybe longer). Maybe that instinct to start writing a list is ingrained in us from our childhood; pen poised, clean sheet of paper at the ready. Hmmmm, what do I want this year? But as the years fly past, I increasingly don't know what I want. I'm not sure what I need. This is probably because I don't really need anything. If you're in the same predicament, how about asking for an 'Inspired Gift' from UNICEF.
Instead of asking for the latest bestseller, why not ask for five story books for children?
Instead of asking for some fancy chocolates, why not ask for some peanut paste?
Instead of a bottle of your favourite tipple, why not ask for an emergency water kit to help a family collect and store clean, safe water when their regular supplies are destroyed?
Instead of another throw for the bed, why not ask for a blanket to keep seven babies warm and protected from the elements?
Or instead of ordering a delivery of a hamper, why not ask for equipment and medicines needed for the safe delivery of a new baby?
To see the full range of Inspired Gifts please visit www.unicef.org.uk/inspired
UNICEF also offers a more traditional selection of cards and gifts at www.unicef.org.uk/shop
Thank you.
UNICEF Inspired Gifts are real, life-saving supplies that are delivered to children in emergencies and disasters around the world. They include products such as water containers, vaccines, medicines, food, and education materials. Your friend or family member will receive a card which tells them how the gift is making a real difference in children?s lives.There is gift to suit every budget.
UNICEF is one of the world?s leading emergency agencies, responding to more than 200 emergencies each year. Never before has the demand been so high for essential relief supplies. In Pakistan alone, nine million children are caught up in the current disaster and over three million are at extreme risk of disease. This is wrong, but by purchasing one of UNICEF?s inspired gifts this Christmas, you can help to put it right.
UNICEF is one of the world?s leading emergency agencies, responding to more than 200 emergencies each year. Never before has the demand been so high for essential relief supplies. In Pakistan alone, nine million children are caught up in the current disaster and over three million are at extreme risk of disease. This is wrong, but by purchasing one of UNICEF?s inspired gifts this Christmas, you can help to put it right.
Please also visit fantastic blogger Rosie Scribble who is working very closely with UNICEF and recently visited Cameroon with them. She blogged extensively about her amazingly moving experiences.
Source: http://hotcrossmum.blogspot.com/2010/11/rethinking-christmas.html
Easy Homemade Gift Tutorial: Embroidered Hand
It’s almost Christmas, but this handmade craft is a wonderful gift idea for Mother’s Day, birthdays, or any special occasion.
The project is easy, affordable, and should take you no more than one hour to complete.
Embroidered Hand in 6(.5) Easy Steps
1) Gather your supplies. You’ll need:
fabric (I used a cute jersey knit print);
an embroidery hoop (this [...]
The project is easy, affordable, and should take you no more than one hour to complete.
Embroidered Hand in 6(.5) Easy Steps
1) Gather your supplies. You’ll need:
fabric (I used a cute jersey knit print);
an embroidery hoop (this [...]
Source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CodeNameMama/~3/qPdWI0rOMRA/
Finding an AP-Friendly Caregiver
The Sitter Who Cried “Ferber”
An acquaintance of mine recently shared a horror story about leaving her five month old baby with a sitter for a few hours. The sitter was auditioning for a role as a permanent nanny, because the mother is returning to work soon.
An hour into her outing, the mother started getting text [...]
An acquaintance of mine recently shared a horror story about leaving her five month old baby with a sitter for a few hours. The sitter was auditioning for a role as a permanent nanny, because the mother is returning to work soon.
An hour into her outing, the mother started getting text [...]
Source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CodeNameMama/~3/c1xhqtimG-I/
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tough lessons to learn
Oh my poor, poor children. They are growing up. And it's tough.
First, we've had a run of birthday parties where my eldest was invited and the youngest wasn't. I knew this was going to happen sooner or later and although the parents kindly invited the little guy, I feel that I have to let the eldest have his own friends, and his own fun, without having one eye out for his little brother all the time. My poor little boy just couldn't understand why his big brother was going somewhere with a big present and coming home with a party bag and a balloon hat. I did my best to not make a big deal of the parties; we did special things together while the older brother was partying, had our own party bags, had our own fun, but his little voice still insisted that 'It's not fair'.
Then we had the older brother getting upset when it was the little fella's birthday - how come he was getting lots of presents and he wasn't getting any? We explained, we wiped away the tears, we explained again, but his slightly bigger voice still insisted, 'It's not fair'.
And finally, we had the incident of the Spiderman costume - you know, the one with the bulging muscles? My eldest - who recently turned 5 - has, for years, been beating himself into a Spiderman costume which is for 2-3 year olds. He ran upstairs to put it on the other day, only to return back to the kitchen a few minutes later, clearly not dressed up as Spiderman. "It doesn't fit," he wailed, sobbing into my shoulder. "I'm too big." This, from a boy, who has spent most of his talking life telling us he wants to be big. I cuddled him and although I felt sad for him, couldn't help smiling at the irony of it all. Daddy somehow resisted the urge to pat him on the back and say 'You're growing up son. Soon you'll be a real man like your Daddy."
And then it was my turn. Yesterday, the 5 year old was busily drawing a picture for his Daddy's birthday. He told me he was drawing a picture of our family. It was very cute (see below).
"Tell me who everybody is love," I said.
"That's Daddy. That's me and that's Sam."
"Oh. And where is mummy?"
"There wasn't room for you mummy."
Tough lessons indeed.
Source: http://hotcrossmum.blogspot.com/2010/11/tough-lessons-to-learn.html
Saturday, December 25, 2010
NSPCC Letter from Santa
Soon, excited children up and down the country will be waiting anxiously by their letterboxes; eagerly awaiting their Letters from Santa, courtesy of the NSPCC.
The NSPCC has worked very closely with their representatives in the North Pole over the last few months, and Santa has decided to send personalised letters to every child on the ?Letters from Santa? list!
For a suggested donation of �5, a letter will be personalised and placed upon Santa?s sleigh for delivery over the Christmas period to a child (or big kid!) that?s special to you. Every pound is warmly received as it will help the NSPCC continue to provide help and support to vulnerable children.
Each Letter from Santa will make a significant difference to the lives of children - for example �20 donated could enable the NSPCC to answer another five calls to ChildLine.
All of the personalised Letters from Santa will be posted in time for Christmas. Letters can be ordered through the NSPCC Wishes website, where you can find Christmas eCards, Corporate eCards and Letters from Santa. You can even make a donation to Charity!"
Letters from Santa with the NSPCC are easy to order, so it couldn't be simpler to support the NSPCC this Christmas. So, please help to put smiles on the faces of the nation?s children this festive season, starting with a magical Letter from Santa himself!
This is a sponsored post on behalf of the NSPCC.
Source: http://hotcrossmum.blogspot.com/2010/11/nspcc-letter-from-santa.html
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